The Art of Gathering
Gathering: the conscious bringing together of people for a reason.
Don’t shrink a human challenge into a logistical one. The art is to put the right people in the room to help them collectively think, dream, argue, and connect to a larger purpose. What to do with people, NOT what to do about things.
Decide why you are gathering.
We often use a template for gathering to substitute for our thinking. What does your gathering need to look like to change how people interact with each other?
Have a specific, disputable point. If you can’t find one, then do a simple, casual hangout.
Is your wedding to thank your parents or the melding of a new couple and their tribe? That will help you decide who attends and what it will look like. We get lost in the category, not the purpose — nail the purpose, then where you meet and who you meet falls into that.
Close the door. By closing the door, you create the room. Who is it for? Make this clear with expectations — who adds, who subtracts from the purpose?
The environment should serve the purpose. The design of social, physical, and emotional space affects how people engage with ideas, content, and each other. You must design a space for exchange and also invite participation by design.
Embody: Live the purpose. The environment is part of that.
Displacement: Break people out of their habits. Doing an activity where you think you shouldn’t.
Perimeter: A contained space to make sure the energy doesn’t leak out. A picnic blanket is an example.
Movement: Use different spaces to mark different moments.
Area — make sure the area fits the purpose. When I ran a white-collar boxing event, I used a holding room to keep people back from the boxing area and amp up the atmosphere. Only when most of the audience was there did I open the doors — can you imagine how flat a gala dinner would feel with only a handful of people in the room? No way to kick off a high-energy event.
Density — the number of people per space. For example, decide if you want sophisticated versus lively — completely different density.
Don’t be a chill host. Being chilled often fails the guests, not serving them — don’t avoid the burden of hosting. Consider how you want to be perceived over how you want the gathering to go for them. Don’t abdicate the power of hosting, be bold.
Rule with generous authority.
Protect your guests: Don’t outsource the role of enforcer to your guests. Use your authority to protect the purpose of the gathering. There are the host-guest and guest-guest relationships — ensure a guest doesn’t overwhelm the gathering.
Equalise your guests: How do you flatten the hierarchy that exists? It could be seating arrangements, wearing masks, or formats such as a town hall.
What do you need to equip your guests with to solve the problem they are gathered around? Openness, collaboration, and greater equality? Sure — design for this.
Connect your guests. Ensure all guests have a vested interest in solving a problem.
Find ways for the group to look after each other. Something as simple as putting on a family roast on serving dishes and serving others before serving yourself. It sets the tone.
Rules:
Use rules to create a temporary alternative world.
Is your gathering anchored to a purpose?
How have you closed the door on this?
How are you going to take care of your guests by leading?
If implicit etiquette serves closed circles that assume commonality, explicit rules serve open circles that assume differences. Pop-up rules are helpful if people from different backgrounds have little grasp of how we do things around here. If there is a behaviour stalling progress, design a rule to temporarily overwhelm it.
Gatherings begin the moment your guest sets eyes on the invitation. How will you prepare the guest for the experience? What we do before the event shapes what happens at the event. Train hard, fight easy.
Trust and permission are the currency of the facilitator.
Priming. Ask guests to do something that sets the tone for the event — something that gets them in the mood and sets expectations.
A pre-event workbook using 10 questions can help guests connect with and remember their sense of purpose as it relates to the gathering. For example, something that gets them to share honestly about the nature of the challenge they are trying to address.
Weave the answers into the day. It’s also creating a connection between you and the person responding.
A gathering is a social contract. Nothing worse than a hidden agenda — bait and switch events. What am I willing to give in time, money, energy, and what will I receive?
Create transitions. Think about how to create a transition from the outside world to inside a “new world”.
Rituals — Binding people together and signalling the entrance to a new space. In martial arts, players bow to the sensei before entering the dojo.
Don’t start an event by covering the logistics. An intro should welcome people into this new world you have created; honour your guest and awe them. Don’t thank the sponsors or deal with the admin; that’s missing the point and killing the event. Think immersive experiences – set the scene from the get-go.
Awe and Honour. What do you want to communicate in your opening? Make them feel lucky to be there — awe and honour; that you are worth listening to, that you care deeply about the people there, and that you have done your research.
Find ways to bring the collective together. Use opening rituals. Could be standing on a box talking about your challenges, how you feel, or what you are looking forward to today.
Moderator — Ask: “How many of you can relate to this?”
Don’t bring your best self to a meeting. Bring the version that needs help, support, and affirmation. Share ideas that are not fully formed, narratives that don’t come out with the best china at dinner parties — do that instead.
Stories, not ideas, connect us. Ideas are abstract, stories are personal. Conversation menus can be helpful. People pick a question and work through several courses.
“15 Toasts” — Ask people to share a story around a theme. After each story, a toast is offered. The last of the 15 guests is to offer a song; few want to be last, so expect a rush for people to share their stories.
Themes could include:
- A good life
- A stranger
- Faith
- Happiness
- Origins
- Courage
- Vulnerability
- Collateral damage
- Escapes
- Borders
- Fear
- Risk
- Rebellion
- Romance
- Dignity
- Self
- Education
- A story that changed my life
- Beauty
- Conflict
- Tinkering
- Truth
- Local
- Fellow traveler
- Gifts given and received
“15 Toasts” creates a space for attendees to show their real self, not their best self, a useful pre-event tool.
Order matters. Share-Connect, rather than Connect-Share.
Look for good controversy. Bring the heat. It helps us re-examine what we hold dear: our values, priorities, and non-negotiables.
Handle with care, and build a structure around it — difficult, complicated, and important. But done well, it’s transformative. The obstacle is the way.
Create a heat map — Identify where the controversy is going to come from. What are people avoiding that they don’t think they are avoiding? What’s going unsaid? What are the sacred cows? What’s being protected and why?
Is the status quo worth maintaining? What’s the gift? What’s the risk? A risk is a chance that it will destabilise where you are now.
If the gift (the change you seek) is worth more than the risk, create a temporary world to move the context of the argument — for example, stage a cage fight.
Embracing the end. What do you need to do in the time remaining? What are your patterns for leaving? What are your habits?
Look inward — sense-making and connecting one last time.
Look outward — separation and re-entry to the ordinary world.
What do you want to take with you?
Don’t let a gathering peter out, quit while you are ahead — be in control.
Use moving to another room as a cue, a last call; the end is coming.
Make thank yous the second-to-last thing. Don’t close with logistics, much like you don’t open with them. Honour the event and its purpose in the thank-you. Keep it simple and meaningful.
For example, create a circle, use comments that capture the day, people will feel listened to, and then clap to mark the end. Ritualise it.
If you enjoyed this content and would value a weekly email on coaching, creativity, and personal growth, you can sign up here.